Trauma Bonds explained
confessions within therapy sessions and on TV in the Depp vs. Heard defamation trial
Here are some of the confessions I hear from clients that are healing from narcissistic abuse:
“I want him to pay, so I poke him to get a reaction. Poking hurts him a little - but it winds up hurting me more.”
“It’s a constant feeling of being slapped in the face and not being able to slap back.”
“I won’t feel peace until I get a day in court, filled with his family that is unaware of the crimes he committed against me. I dream of standing in front of lawyers and a Judge while I present a detailed account of all the ways he hurt me. My testimony would not give him any forgiveness or reassurance. I want to watch him fumble over his lies and be destroyed - as he destroyed my life. This would give me the feeling of being empowered for the first time. This is an ever-present fantasy playing in my head. I’d love it to go away, but I just don’t know how.”
All these clients have something in common. They are obsessed with being understood and having their reality confirmed. They are trapped in the addictive cycle that comes from Betrayal Bonding.
In defining the term betrayal bond, we must explain its more familiar cousin - trauma bond. A traumatic bond happens in the presence of danger and terror. Other names for trauma bonds are; Stockholm syndrome, cults, power abuse, domestic abuse, Me Too, and addiction.
To illustrate the trauma bond concept, let’s consider the term Stockholm syndrome - coined to describe the phenomenon that happened in a robbery in Stockholm in 1973. During the robbery, hostages were taken and held for five days and surprisingly developed strong bonds with their captors. Later the hostages rejected help from government officials and even after being freed they defended their captors. Stockholm syndrome is now used when describing a situation where there is control in the presence of great fear where one is forced to depend on the one in control. Strange as it sounds, this circumstance can lead to a bond and empathy for their captors.
The term betrayal bond has a slightly different meaning than trauma bond. A betrayal bond is also formed in the presence of fear and danger however the thought process of the victim is different. When something you count on can’t be trusted as a result of threats, seduction, deception, or exploitation, you think one thing is happening and it’s not - something you value is diminished, and you wind up feeling confused, numb, ashamed and exhausted.
An example of Trauma Bonding could be, you think you are ‘the one’, then discover your partner is cheating, not only are you not ‘the one’, you are one of eight! Your feeling of rage triggers the biological stress response where all sorts of chemicals are released in your body. Your nervous system is prepared to fight - to get revenge - to get your partner feeling the horrific pain that they caused you. The body/mind tries to repair the unrepairable.
As time goes on rumination of the betrayal becomes an addiction. As an alcoholic uses drinking to avoid pain, ruminating over what happened to you and what you want to happen to them, becomes a way to avoid feeling the pain caused by the breach of trust. A betrayal bond turns on the reward system in the brain. We get addicted to stress.
In the book The Betrayal Bond - Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, Patrick Carnes describes the phenomenon of Betrayal Bond:
Contentious divorce, abusive employee relations, litigation of any type, incest, child abuse, dysfunctional family and marital systems, domestic violence, hostage negotiation, kidnapping, professional exploitation, and religious abuse all are areas that reference and describe the pattern of betrayal bonding. They have in common situations of incredible intensity, importance, or both. They all involve the exploitation of trust, power, or both. They all can result in a bond with a person who is dangerous and exploitive. Signs of betrayal bonding include misplaced loyalty inability to detach, and self-destructive denial.
The televised Jonny Depp-Anger Heard defamation trial currently taking place shows two individuals seeking control over the other via abusive behaviors fueled by alcohol and drugs. From their individual testimonies as well as the enormous evidence - here are two people caught in a betrayal bond - so much so that they are continuing the bond - hurting each other in a public forum.
Betrayal bond can affect you in many ways:
How you think - confusion, hypervigilance
How you behave - withdrawal, inability to rest, increase alcohol consumption, and drug use
How you feel emotionally - fear, guilt, shame, anxiety
How you feel physically - fatigued. weak, twitchy, grinding teeth
Long-term abuse takes a long time to heal.
Treating trauma bonding as an addictive process in therapy helps to rewire the brain. You begin to seek out healthy ways to manage the trauma and the heavy resentment moves into the background. It is one factor in the complex healing process as one recovers from narcissistic abuse.
Accepting that you have experienced trauma and abuse is the first step in finding your true authentic self, rather than living a life of bitterness.
I am here to help.
I hope this helps you understand trauma within relationships. If you are looking for a therapist in California, Florida, or New Mexico, please call click HERE for a free 15-minute phone consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and see if we are a good match so I can help you recover from a narcissistic relationship. Read more about how I can help here.
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