Holidays and Narcissism
Do you dread spending the holidays with family because of how it makes you feel — depressed, on-edge, ashamed, invisible, or that it’s worth breaking your sobriety to survive the visit? Does it bug you that the excuse; I can’t visit because we’re in a pandemic doesn’t hold the weight it did last year? Is it hard to understand why some people get excited about being with their family? If you’re nodding yes - you have challenging family dynamics.
You might have already put together a list of excuses to avoid visiting your or your partners’ family because you just can’t navigate the chaos nor have the energy to recover once you are back home. But the bossy inner-critic that resides in your head - you know the internal voice that rules your decisions, makes it impossible to know if you should visit or not. Your inner-bully confuses you by yelling in your ear;
• “It’s the holidays -you’re obligated because it’s your family.
• “You’re too sensitive - toughen up - suck it up…and go.
• It’s just a few days. You’ve done it before - you can do it again.”
• “A good daughter/son, sibling/partner puts the wishes of others above their wants and needs.
• “Going against family tradition makes you BAD.”
Tell your internalized critical voice; thank you for how you kept me safe in the past, but I want to make choices from my wise-adult-self. Then send your critic on vacation so you can think.
Ask yourself how you are bound to the people you label family, now that you are an independent adult. Did you need to unconsciously detach from your true self to survive when you were growing up? Do you get foggy in the head and emotionally numb when you are around your family now?
As an adult, what do you need from them at this stage of your life, and is showing up somehow serving them? What are your fears around changing how you respond to them? Do you have the emotional skills to survive spending the holidays with them, and do you have a support system to debrief with after it’s over?
Holidays are a time to make loving connections. Sometimes, the most loving thing to do is connect with yourself by doing what you know to be most self-compassionate. Kindness can mean saying NO to what you don’t want.
Saying NO allows you to consciously choose to do something else when your true nature knows what is good for you and also knows what is draining, abusive and stress-inducing. For example, you might want to stay home and celebrate with your close friends or use the money it would have cost to visit family to go somewhere that excites you.
It’s also okay to say yes and go. Look at the experience as an experiment - requires mindfulness - paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in response to others. Emotional reactions happen fast! When there is unresolved trauma from the past, present-time events trigger our nervous system in a way that makes us ten years old again.
HOW TO COPE
When you are triggered, stop - get centered and see what options there are before responding. Give yourself a window of time, even if only seconds, so you can do the right thing. There is a significant difference between responding and reacting. Responding is conscious empowerment - reacting is an unconscious reflex that can leave you vulnerable.
Tips to help to make your visit less triggering and more what you want it to be:
• Stay in your own space, i.e., hotel, etc. Give yourself breathing room to re-connect with yourself, doing what you want to do. If you are worried that someone’s feelings will get hurt if you don’t sleep on their couch…let them have hurt feelings. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
• Limit your time. A couple of days of intense togetherness is plenty to connect and share. However, if you are traveling a great distance and want to spend some time vacationing, make plans on your own - separate from the family.
• Bring a touchstone that represents your home…this could be an object or photo. Keep it in your pocket - touch it or look at it often - tell yourself that you will be home soon.
• Don’t over-volunteer your help - offer only if you want to and have the energy. Is people-pleasing a survival pattern left over from your childhood?
• Say NO when you sense being intruded upon.
• If you are practicing sobriety, plan to check in with your support network during your time away. .
Boundaries help you to know yourself more
If the above tips sound like setting boundaries, you are right. Boundaries protect you, and they let others know what is okay and not okay with you. Boundaries give you the clarity to say NO to holiday expectations and/or leave a situation…without shame.
Your decision to visit or say NO to visiting can be an exercise in doing things differently. Each time you advocate for your true self, you are rewiring your mind, strengthening your ability to make the right choice. The next time you feel obligated to oblige an invitation, it will be easier.
Putting yourself amid high-level narcissistic behavior at family gatherings is a choice.
I hope this helps you decide what’s the best thing for YOU to do during the holidays. If you are still unsure and are looking for a therapist in California or New Mexico, please call click HERE for a free 15-minute phone consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help recovering from a narcissistic relationship, you can read more about how I can help here. Sign up below to be informed when a new blog drops!