SHAME and narcissism
My therapy clients in California who are healing due to being in a relationship with a narcissist often feel SHAME — a sick feeling that's difficult to describe - an inner sense of being wholly diminished or insufficient as a person. Someone caught in a shame-storm is thinking a couple of things,
"I’m embarrassed because of what people think of me
"Whatever went wrong or will go wrong is my fault."
Shame is different than guilt.
Shame says, "I'm bad."
Guilt says, "I've done something bad."
How does shame develop?
Shame develops when there's a relationship of dominance and insubordination. A baby isn't born knowing shame. However, when a baby's caregiver does not respond to their cry for help with warmth and attunement, the baby's nervous system picks up that they are a problem for the parent - or bad, for crying, soiling a diaper, or being a bother. An infant develops shame due to the caregiver's scornful face, body language, physical closeness, or distance. Later, when a child is walking and talking, shame develops through speech. Here are some examples of shaming language that may be all too familiar for you;
that's so stupid
don't be a baby
shame on you
you don't have anything to be afraid of
you're too big for your britches
don't be so full of yourself.
Shame becomes debilitating as a child grows into an adult because shame can crush the ability to experience positive emotions. When someone has the intense feeling "I am bad," they often feel they don't deserve the experience of positive emotions or to have needs.
Narcissism is a result of deep shame. The feeling of shame first felt as an infant or toddler is terrifying because of their dependency on the caregiver for survival. They mustn't lose their parent because of their badness. Thus a child will conform to get their basic needs met. And this modified version of the authentic self fends off shame with the narcissistic traits of blaming, shaming, and aggression.
When you have a narcissistic parent or partner, feelings of humiliation, degradation, and shame are central to the victims' experience. You are with someone who:
fails to respond to your needs appropriately
uses you for their self-worth
manipulates communication to dodge having to take responsibility for themselves, which knocks you off balance - emotionally.
You begin to feel the shame they are avoiding, which supplies the narcissist's need for control and esteem.
How to work with your feeling of shame? - Or what I like to call a ‘shame storm’.
Here are some things you can do on your own:
Think about shame as an instinctual reaction - a reflex - an automatic reaction. For example, you duck if something is flying through that air in the direction of your face. There's no time to think. You react. So when you notice the sensation of shame, rather than getting lost in the shame storm, get curious about what triggered an automatic response of feeling like you are bad. What were your thoughts, emotions, and posture?
The following prompts will help.
Thoughts: What was the situation? Did you do something wrong - or do you feel like something bad happened because of you? Say to yourself; I have value, I am worthy, smart, strong, successful, I am OK the way I am, and I make mistakes.
Emotions: Allow yourself to feel peaceful, hopeful, self-confident, trusting, comfortable with yourself, have healthy guilt when there is something to repair between you and someone else.
Posture: Stand and sit with aligned posture, take up space, breathe fully, lift your head and chest, relax your muscles, move your shoulders with a full range of motion, reach out for what you need.
Since shame is something that develops within relationships with people. In other words, shame is relational; therefore, shame also heals relationally. When you are with someone who safely relates to you - accepting, non-judgemental, takes responsibility for their mistakes, is consistent in what they say and what they do, has clear boundaries, and is kind - your shame will diminish. You will begin to feel your sense of power.
Good, healthy relationships heal shame.
I hope this helps you understand why you might be seeking a therapist to help you sort through your thoughts and feelings. If you still have questions or are feeling stuck, click HERE for a free 15-minute consultation. I'd be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with anxiety, you can read more about how I can help here.