Fear, Danger and Horniness
Narcissism and Limerence
If you feel extreme attraction, you shouldn't assume it's because the person is right for you.
When there is an over-the-top - fireworks chemistry upon first meeting a prospective romantic partner - science says RUN. A study conducted at the Univ. of British Columbia shows sexual attraction is heightened in the presence of danger. When we are scared, automatic stuff happens with our bodies: heart rate increases - pumping more blood throughout the body, including genitals; palms get sweaty; senses intensify; and dopamine, the feel-good brain chemical surges. If someone is attractive in the vicinity, it is almost impossible to tell if the sexual chemistry is fear-driven or is present due to mutual compatibility. Dopamine, doing its alchemy, persuades us to keep the good feelings coming, even if that means making bad choices for ourselves. When under the spell of over-the-top fireworks chemistry, one thinks;
- This person makes me feel better than anyone.
- Finally, I've met my soul mate.
- They get me in a way I've always needed.
The biological drive to partner up can get us in trouble when one or both people have wounds resulting from early childhood trauma - either physical or emotional.
An emotional hole forms in early life when caregivers don't provide good enough psychological safety to create a secure bond with their child. So in adulthood when a prospective romantic partner shows up that embodies a similar psychological profile to an emotionally unavailable parent - something inside feels the danger and fear shows up disguised as sexual chemistry. Fireworks-like irrational fantasy develops, and the other person is put on a pedestal. This idealized view of someone teases that they will be given what is needed for them to feel lovable. It makes sense that, as an emotionally starving person, we look to romantic partners to fill their emptiness.
A therapy client began an exciting, over-the-top sexual relationship and immediately began assuming the guy was as into her as she was to him. In her mind, he would be part of all of her tomorrows, even though he verbalized to her that he just needed to be alone to get his life together. The more distant he became, the more desperate her fantasies. When he abruptly vanished from her world, she told herself he was working diligently on himself so he could be with her. For weeks, she put her life on hold, making sure she was prepared to avail herself to him at a moment's notice - what felt like love to her trauma brain left a trail of pain.
If a narcissist has abused you, you are a trauma survivor. Your nervous system is constantly scanning for danger. If you are in the presence of a familiar narcissist type - someone who has the potential to hurt, your flight/flight mode is activated - more blood flow - more vigilance - and possible sexual arousal. It's dangerous because of familiarity - there's a comfort in skillfully navigating the dynamic of becoming who they need you to be. The familiarity is a false sense of safety. It's destructive patterning left over from childhood.
In the case of a narcissistic type crashing into a codependent personality type - attraction is intensely stimulating and has been coined the horny trinity - fear, danger, and horniness. It is powerful magnetism - a psychological dynamic called;
Limerence
noun Psychology
the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship. [The New Oxford American Dictionary]
Limerence can feel like intense joy; if the feeling isn't reciprocated, the result is extreme despair. It's a compulsive state of being carried away by irrational passion to the point of addictive-type behavior.
Limerence is a perfect setup for being entangled with narcissism. People stay too long in narcissistic relationships because of the obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated. Trying to get a narcissist's empathy is a miserable addiction.
Alternately, middle-of-the-road chemistry differs, as it develops by cool-headed compatibility. Naturally, we get turned on by someone interested in us, demonstrating respect and kindness while showing non-verbal signs of their attraction. This milder chemistry is manageable - not obsessive. Reasonable choices are made by slowing down and vetting the potential partner. The feeling of closeness requires psychological safety that can only come from knowing someone over time. In this scenario, sexual chemistry expands over time.
If you find yourself painfully craving to be seen and understood by someone incapable of emotional availability - you are experiencing the trap of narcissistic limerence. Let a cooler version of your head prevail.
Being informed of this potential trap will help you recognize when you've slipped in and can prevent you from getting in too deep.
To learn more, read The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg.
Educating yourself on the dynamics of narcissist abuse is power.
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This is an excerpt from my upcoming book. Your comments are welcomed.
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